131) a sign 132) vindication 133) out 134) i wish i was there/or you were here 135) i hope this is the last time 136) i wish i didn’t feel so beat up 137) as i enter year 2, to never forget the lessons 138) As I grow older, to never loose sight of what it means to be younger. I want to stay young at heart and surround myself with young hearted people 139) i hope that these three days in May revive me 140) reunion:reunion
somehow, i stepped unto the unknown without regret for the past or fear of the future. i gained tremendous amounts of growth, relief, freedom and adventure. but there are also some things i have lost, that i hope with all of my heart i can find, once again. the ability to trust myself. the capacity to open myself to another. to believe in love. in my usual form, of embracing the need to learn things the hard way, the long way, the wrong way, i uprooted myself from what i thought was expected of me. from investing in stocks that plummeted every year. from trying to heal what didn’t want to be healed.
this transition went against the core of my very being. to work hard at all cost. to never give up. failure is not an option. it is when all hope was extinguished that truth was revealed. and i continue to walk in that truth, as that flicker of hope begins to reignite. the examination of self and my choices is never easy. but i refuse to walk away without the lessons. hopefully a little smarter, maybe even a little wiser.
i often doubt why i live here, in Winnipeg. for 7 months of the year, anyway. then the day arrives. the first day of the year where there wind blows and all chill is gone from the air. to feel the warm sunshine on my skin makes me smile from the inside out. it won’t be until autumn before i long to relocate to another city, and want to pack as much living as i can into this 5 month window.
hello, sunshine.
Sunday mornings+nothing to do. strong morning coffee+Free Press. sunrises+water. wine+conversation. good read+afternoon latte. late nights+laughter. cold beer+hot afternoons
what makes you happy?
121) Purpose (uppercase ‘p’) 122) to believe everything is a miracle 123) space 124) increasing optimism 125) today’s energy would be more accessible 126) i wish for not just anyone 127) 11 hour replay 128) equilibrium 129) i wish to become unhinged 130) i don’t want to be scarred for life
the word ‘eureka’ stems from a greek word meaning ‘I have found it’. it has been an inspiring day. an unorthodox breakfast with a friend. a usual lunch with another. tea with still another. it was finally time to get some work done, instead of just getting inspired. the beginnings of this project, called smoke and mirrors, was a tentative one. then all at once, the world shifted for me, and i could start seeing some magic happen. if i wait for it, and listen closely it always comes. the challenge is having that faith that it always will.
111) that confusion/anticipation would resolve 112) a better sleep 113) i wish desperately i was in Italy tonight 114) as this chapter comes to a close, allow the lessons of MY RENAISSANCE to remain 115) to be released from old ways or thinking 116) i hope she can put me back together 117) I wish to become more alive and vibrant with age 118) i wish i could be there to comfort you 119) to be cured of my wanderlust 120) please guide me in the right way
it is impossible to sum up in a neat little package how i feel about you. maybe because you have taught me that life doesn’t have to come in those confining square boxes. it is our responsibility to question everything, and life can be about about j-walking and colouring outside the lines and making our own rules. you have shown me that life can begin again, and again, and again. we keep going, being there for each other with every misstep and victory. you ask me the hard questions, and continue to challenge me. how blessed am i to have you in my life, you fierce, strong, beautiful, complex woman. i love you. and from what i see, your birthday wish has already come true.
“I wish to follow Betty White’s lead of becoming more alive and vibrant with age. I will do this by spending more time in the ‘deep-end’ (taking risks). I will not be pressured by people into spending time in the shallow end. I will not allow fear of what people say or think to influence my decisions. i will not be concerned about doing what is only ‘age appropriate.’” -Doris. 26 April 2012
the doctor is in the house. having a coach has been a humbling and enlightening experience. the first time we met, his instructions were peppered with phrases like ‘when you are fit’ and ‘i’ve seen a lot worse’. and to be honest, i had lulled myself into believing that i was in pretty good shape. clearly, this belief can get filed into the rest of my ‘misguided fool’ category. however, my progress over the last 5 weeks has been extraordinary. somehow it is easier to trust someone else in terms of when to push myself, and when to back off. he is the one with the formula, and it is up to me to follow his lead.
i am also not one of those people blessed with a limitless amount of energy. many days i am out there, pounding the pavement, wondering why on earth anyone would want to do this. then my favourite mantra kicks in. i run because i can. i run because i have been given this life, and i want to live like life is on fire. i run because i am blessed with a healthy body, and am determined to keep it that way. so i kick my alabaster mennonite ass into high hear and go for it – for what else is there?
it is difficult to allow the heart to long for something. to miss. to pine. to wish. it is much easier to not allow the mind to go into those crevices, to evoke a time, place, feeling, or memory. while sorting through the mounds of paperwork that accumulate without noticing, i came across my receipts from Italy from last summer. a wave of emotion came that i have had to carry with me for the remainder of the day, like a hangover.
it is 8:26 pm. we would just be gathering for dinner, as the sun set over the hills. we were often exhausted, from rising early and printing all day. once the wine was flowing, and the delicious food was served, we found our second wind, as conversations bubbled over with laughter and stories. for that short time, we lived the European way. we abandoned the cares of the everyday, trouble and sorrow left behind. we embraced what truly matters. enjoying this life, good conversation, and living like this day was our final one.